Proof of Cheating

There are a number of ways in which a doubting spouse can find proof of spousal cheating. One option is to make a personal investigation. Another is to hire a private investigator.

It may not be very easy to obtain proof especially since infidelity is by nature a clandestine affair, meaning it is hidden or kept secret. The most challenging part in conducting an investigation on a secret matter is determining where to start. Professional private investigators usually have their own system to follow and are equipped and trained to get away with undetected sleuthing.

Doubting spouses who are most probably untrained in the science and art of detective work have a unique factor going for them which is their instinct. Spousal instinct can help direct the investigation in finding the clues that will lead to the truth. Contrary to claims of many cheated spouses that they never saw any sign , there are always signs except that some require more sensitivity to detect than others.

Why is obtaining proof of infidelity important to a doubting spouse? Well for one, it proves that the doubting spouse is not just an insanely jealous individual feeding on unfounded fears. Finding out the truth about infidelity can also work to fast-forward the denial stage in marriage which can hopefully push the relationship towards a solution. Most importantly, having proof leads to closure of a life filled with doubts and anxieties in not knowing. Solid proof of cheating triggers more concrete action and does not leave any room for further lies.

Ethical Cheating

Ethical cheating, now this is something I've got to hear for myself. The last time I checked, ethics was about the basic principles of right action. Is there now a form of cheating that is considered right?

Proponents of open marriage believe they have the answer to eliminate cheating between married couples. An open marriage is like any other marriage except for the explicit agreement to allow each other to have other sexual partners aside from each other. This is what they refer to as an ethical form of cheating. Husbands and wives can engage in the sexual act with other people either alone or as a couple with consensual permission. However, they draw the line in any emotional involvement believing that such involvement should be strictly reserved for the legal spouse.

Jealousy is said to be put in check by being honest to each other about the other physical relationships. An open marriage is comparable to the relationship existing between a swinging couple who typically have swinging partners for their extramarital sexual adventures. Both arrangements talk about prioritizing the legal spouse above anyone else thus sexual adventures fall behind marital duties and responsibilities. Other than that, each enjoys just about all the freedom they want in the sexual aspect.

Apparently, cheating as we regularly define it only comes into the picture when one engages in any sexual activity with another without the knowedge of the legal partner. Has this set-up completely eradicated infidelity in a relationship? Statistics would show that it has not. Time and again we see how impossible it is to completely separate physical from emotional involvement at all times. No matter how liberal a couple's psyche may be, there are bound to be limitations in their human capacity to adapt to an idea that challenges instituted social norms and conduct.

Revenge of the Cheated Spouse

Discovering spousal infidelity may result to varying reactions from cheated spouses. While there are two main ways of reacting namely to stay or leave, the level of pain felt by the spouse cheated on can possibly produce sub-reactions in between the process of forgiving or leaving. One potentially deadly reaction is to take revenge on a cheating spouse.

Revenge is about getting even, particularly in the same manner that a prior perceived injustice has been committed. Short of the extreme form usually referred to as crimes of passion, the vengeful spouse will zero in on the pain that has been created and retaliate by committing infidelity as well. A person in deep emotional pain may seek appeasement and satisfaction in having the cheating spouse get a dose of his/her own medicine.

The trouble with revenge is that it tends to skew a person's sense of right and wrong. As the cheated spouse aims to inflict the maximum emotional pain on the cheating spouse, he/she will find it very difficult not to be destroyed in the process. Cheated spouses should also stop and consider that their cheating partners possibly couldn't care less what they do thus the probability of going through the whole process and then ending up just hurting themselves even more.

Being cheated on has a way of revealing a certain aspect of an individual's personality never before known. While others cry, despair or leave, some choose to exact vengeance on the cheater. This move can backfire when the original cheating spouse ends up looking like an honorable spouse and the previously faithful spouse looks like a cheap cheat. There are other ways of punishing a cheater without muddling one's self.

Infidelity and Divorce

Among the main causes of divorce which includes domestic violence, addiction, workaholism, and midlife crisis, infidelity tops the list. This could indicate that affected spouses are less forgiving of acts that violate the aspect of trust in marriage. The violation of such trust is seen at its worst in the context of infidelity as compared to other forms.

Proof of infidelity is no longer required in no-fault states for purposes of obtaining a divorce or terminating a marriage. Infidelity however, is an important issue with spouses who have entered a prenuptial agreement before marriage. A fidelity clause is usually found in this kind of agreement which "penalizes" a cheating spouse in terms of severely limiting the extent of property, asset or income which can be obliged to be given him/her by the innocent spouse. Maintenance amounts required by law to be awarded to cheating spouses can also be affected by proven infidelity because of the principle that cheaters should not be rewarded for their deeds.

Child custody ordinarily does not enter the picture of divorce proceedings on the ground of adultery or acts of infidelity. This automatically changes when the welfare of the child or children is at stake. It is inevitable that the conduct of the parents during the marriage is looked into to properly determine which parent should be given primary custody. Being an unfaithful spouse does not necessarily equate to being a bad parent but a relationship may cause the parent in question to be neglectful of parental responsibilities. The amount and type of parenting time awarded to a cheating spouse may also be affected depending on the court's appreciation of the possible impact of extramarital affairs on a child.

Children of Infidelity

Infidelity not only produces casualties in cheated spouses but also in illegitimate children. These children are not given any choice when they come into this world as a product of illicit relationships. They are forced to carry a stigma not by their own doing and volition but by decisions made by two consenting adults, at least one of whom is legally committed to another.

Cheated spouses may find it harder to forgive their cheating partners when an affair produces offsprings. Although the children's absence of fault is easily recognized even by the most confused cheated spouse, the very existence of the children makes it more difficult to forgive and forget. How does one forget when there are living proofs of a spouse's unfaithfulness?

Having children also makes it impossible to completely cut off ties between the cheater and the paramour. Unless the cheater chooses to abscond from parental responsibility, communication lines between them will remain open. This gives rise to a very delicate situation for the cheated spouse who would understandably prefer for a total cut-off.

The fact that an illicit relationship produced children proves just how physical the relationship was. There is that constant fear on the part of the cheated spouse in the resumption of intimacy where communication is done not only for the children's sake but for the personal interests of the former lovers as well. Some have sought to remedy this situation by taking in the children into their own family but this option is not free of its own challenges as well.

How Honest Should a Confession Be?

Not everybody is in agreement on how much detail an infidelity confession should contain. There is no question that truth should be the basis of any confession but it is possible that too much of it can destroy more rather than rebuild relationships. We are referring to details of the sexual acts committed or answering questions of whether the cheating spouse enjoyed doing it with another or not.


Cheated spouses already have a mental picture of what could have happened in their spouses' illicit relationships. Is it really necessary to put them through the horrors of an account of the sordid details of the affair? Such details may repeatedly block all efforts to save a relationship, coming to mind even where there is no intention to.


Without resorting to any more lies, the cheating spouse should answer the who, what, where, when, why, and how questions of the cheating. Answers to these questions cannot be evaded because several issues have to be settled first before any reconciliation is possible. A couple who is serious about making a go of their relationship after infidelity has been found out can be helped by these answers to prevent similar cheating episodes in the future.


Cheating spouses should resist the temptation to go into details that will only serve to add insult to injury. After the confession, they should concentrate more on making good on their promise not to do it again. Being sorry is a given but it needs to be said and shown by the cheating spouse. This should be the one best heard and stand out in the mind and heart of the cheated spouse.

The Internet Temptation

Computer use has given us so much in terms of information, communication, and completion of our daily tasks whether at work or at home. With the introduction of the Internet, such use has magnified ten-fold as everything became easier and faster. Sadly, the business of infidelity has never been briskier as well.

Now comes cheating in a morphed form - cheating without physical contact. Everything happens just over the Internet, usually with assumed identities and physical appearances. The opportunity to engage in anonymous relationships has never been greater than during this technologically-advanced times. People who do engage in this kind of activity are quick to defend themselves that this is not cheating. Hey man! No contact, no foul, remember?

Internet cheaters can justify their acts all they want but no amount of justification can erase the fact that the essential factor of trust in marriage is violated through cybercheating. Even if a cyber partner is located in another part of the world, a committed person still choose to build a "relationship" having sexual undertones with another.

Some signs that indicate Internet infidelity include spending more time online especially late at night, unfamiliar bills for online services, interest in online virtual worlds associated with finding cybersex partners, and unusual demand for privacy, particularly the preference for locking the doors during computer use. Not a few Internet relationships prospered into actual sexual relationships. Even if it does not, an Internet relationship can make the involved spouse withdraw from his/her spouse and their relationship, and ends up destroying the marriage just the same. Curious people should avoid playing this deadly game lest they find themselves in circumstances which they cannot handle.

Forgiving and Rebuilding

So you've decided to forgive your cheating spouse, what now? How do you live your life together after infidelity? Will anything change between the two of you now that you've gone through the hurt and pain but decided to stick it out? If both of you are to rebuild your relationship, there better be changes done so you will not find yourselves in the same situation again.

Cheated spouses cannot forever live a life of doubt and anxiety, afraid that the erring spouse will cheat again. If they are to truly give the relationship a chance, they must be willing to trust again. They must also be willing to work on the relationship harder, now that they've realized that they are not exempt from the realities of infidelity.

Forgiven cheaters for their part should try even harder to win back the trust that has been lost. If they wish to rebuild the relationship they have broken with their cheating, they must make conscious efforts to alleviate the natural fears of their spouses. This is primarily done by avoiding circumstances and situations that led them to cheat. Their spouses may be forgiving but they're very human and can get very affected if there is nothing done to minimize the chances of a repeat cheating episode. Forgiving is one thing but forgetting is another.

If there is one time when affected spouses should talk openly. the time of rebuilding will be the perfect time. With the truth out and hopefully nothing else to hide or discover, each can be honest with the other to set new expectations that may be a lot different from when they first started the relationship.

Nobody is saying that the path to rebuilding a broken relationship is easy. In fact, it is so hard that many who have tried, failed in their efforts.

The Illusion of Extramarital Affairs

A person who commits infidelity and carries on a relationship with another, usually does so in the belief that things will be a lot better than it is with their marriage. A cheating husband may have found another woman who makes him feel more manly, alive, and in control. A cheating wife may have found another man who makes her feel beautiful, loved, and needed. Each believes that happiness lies in being with this other man/woman.

More often than not, they are just living an illusion. They are comparing two relationships that are very different from each other. Marriage or any other form of established relationships has to deal with the realities of life such as children, chores, and bills. Extramarital affairs do not have this kind of pressure. By the very nature of an illicit relationship, there is no commitment that disturbs the thrill and excitement experienced by the participants. The only pressure perhaps for people involved in cheating spouses is the pressure of getting caught.

People involved in an extramarital relationship have the chance of always putting their best foot forward. Infront of a paramour, he/she appears almost without fault. Their unmade-up appearance and worst behavior is reserved for their spouses who get to see the real person at home.

Most extramarital affairs travel the same route as destroyed marriages once they are subjected to the same pressures. The illusion of perfection crumbles to reveal the weakness of its foundation. Perennial cheaters lose no time in looking for other relationships as they create illusion after illusion.